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Daniel Cox, the director of the Survey Center on American Life recently found that younger men are struggling the most to make friends. Younger men are more likely to talk about their problems with their parents rather than their friends. He also found that single men are struggling the most to make friends even though they need them the most. He goes on to say that male friendship recession he feels is tied to weakening ties to community institutions like church, the changing nature of work, and the fact many men are spending more and more time with their families.

In the past men have relied on activities such as sports to gain friendships. Since covid there is less opportunity to interact with other men. The loneliness in men I’m sure is increasing. I have looked at the problems with regular friendships with men. These friendships are based on being involved with other men doing activities. One men’s group which has had over 20 men attend during the past year, seldom keep a friendship with each other when someone drops out, as the relationship was dependent on meeting weekly. Once attendance stops they don’t keep in touch with one another. This lack of connection following an activity ending is what I feel is the lack of real connection with one another. This must change.

The new friendships we have in True Brotherhood is not based on doing sports or other activities. We share deeply what’s truly going on inside us. Sharing personal things, spiritual growth, dreams, hopes desires, and fears truly is what makes deep friendships. Rather than having competition, rivalry and social status, we work towards cooperation, personal honesty and emotional sharing. Real closeness is achieved by opening up. Friendships that are real, authentic and honest with oneself and with others. All human emotions, from joy to despair, from tenderness to toughness are deeply important. Trust and vulnerability are essential in building friendships with each other. Openness, availability, clarity, and connection are consciously fostered. Giving each other appreciation and affection is expressed. The key to achieving a deep friendship is to keep making an effort to draw close to one another.

There are many roadblocks to achieving this type of closeness. Here are a few:

  • Most men have difficulty forming close male friendships as they had no role model
  • Men are raised to be independent, autonomous and competitive.
  • Men believe that their relationship needs should be met by a partner.
  • Most men were not emotionally connected with a father which effects his emotional life with other men.
  • Demands of work life and family.
  • A man’s significant other may be threatened by a closer friendship with others.
  • Fear of looking or feeling “gay”.

It takes effort to get though these blocks. Here are some signs that you are achieving a deeper friendship with others.

  • You know everything about your friend and he knows you.
  • It’s easy to shed tears as you feel safe.
  • You know if you needed him he would be there.
  • Each of you are willing to sacrifice for the other.
  • You both have each others backs.
  • You know each others secrets.
  • You feel safe to express love and affection.
  • You miss them when you are away.
  • When conflicts arise you both make effort to resolve the problem.
  • Your spouse and children are drawn to you because you have changed.
  • You feel a deeper love and tenderness for all living things.

Achieving true brotherhood takes effort. Samuel Levinson wrote “that close friendships with a man or woman is rarely experienced by men. In general, most men do not have an intimate friend.” It’s time to change this, and create a new type of friendship.

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Recently one of my friends sent me an article about developing a meaningful sex life with your spouse. The article suggested the usual things like treating your spouse well, providing support, be kind, loving, and build them up. The article concluded by suggesting that a man needs to get in touch with his “feminine side” to truly connect with his spouse. This key ingredient is where men become confused. Most men are clueless what their “feminine side” is, let alone get in tune with it.

Men often complain about not having enough affection in relationships. They report feeling like they have to jump through hoops with their spouse to get more affection. On the other hand, most spouses relate that they just don’t feel close with their husbands. They desire quality time, which is described as spending time talking and being romantic. The men complain that they would try to do what was requested, but still not getting affection. Most men become frustrated and conclude their spouse has serious “hang ups” with their physical expressions.

The fact is you can be nice, kind and “romantic” with your spouse, but if you are missing the ability to emotionally connect, you will be just going through the motions to get sex, which is a turn off for partners.

So if the key ingredient to having more affection in your relationship is emotionally connecting with yourselves and others, just how does one develop this skill? and Why are men missing this ingredient? The problem lies in society expecting a man to be strong, self reliant and not let emotions get the best of you. Men block their emotional sides so they can be perceived as strong.

It’s not just the expression of sadness that men hold back. We stop ourselves from feeling many areas in ourselves, so we can be perceived as strong and “manly.” When a man learns to get back his emotional side as an adult, a spouse responds with closeness and affection. His children feel a difference and respond with more love and affection.

It is difficult for a man to become emotionally connected, as he needs mentors who have a solid emotional side as well as a strong back bone. This is what I call true masculinity. True Brotherhood men are in tuned with both their masculine and feminine sides. We as an organization desire to mentor other men so they can learn this key ingredient, which will bring a deep closeness with their spouse and children.

The following steps will help you get back your emotional side. Read through them, practice the exercises, but remember, you will need another male who has walked this path to truly achieve emotional connection.

  1. Become aware of the messages that were given you by parents and society.  One man reported his father would greet the little sister with a hug, but with him he would just get a pat on the head.  There are many messages like these that have been absorbed by all of us, which makes us bury needs and feelings.
  2. Begin to change ones beliefs regarding feelings.  Men who feel are more attractive. Try sharing your true feelings with those you trust.  Ask yourself what you feel in the moment, and admit this to yourself. Once you own the feelings, try to be vulnerable and share with others.
  3. Connect with mentors who will provide a safe place to express emotions and feelings. Joining men groups like True Brotherhood is a great way to be on the path to developing your feeling side.  You will find that the strongest men, are the ones in touch with their feelings and express them.
  4. Take time to feel all of your senses. Pick a day when you focus on smell. Try to take in the sweet aroma of a restaurant when you pass. Imagine what kind of foods you would like for dinner.  Take another day and touch things with your hands. See what feels good, and what doesn’t.  Farmers will say they can take a handful of dirt, smell it, and know what additional nutrients are needed.
  5. Begin to explore the feminine or what is called your yin side.  We need a balance of our yin and yang or feminine and masculine sides.  You will need to ask what did your family or society teach you about these sides?. Have you stopped laughing or dancing because it’s not “masculine”?  Most men down deep wish they could dance. Dance instructors will say all men can learn to dance.  Watch the movie ‘Shall we dance’. Richard Gere secretly takes dance lessons from Jennifer Lopez. He enjoys himself, and progresses to be a good dancer. His wife, after getting over the shock and fear that he was having an affair, truly enjoys this new man.
  6. Take time to experience your children. Go in and sit on their beds when they are sleeping. Take their little hands in yours, and feel how much you love them.  Give hugs and let them know how much you love them.

Practicing these steps and seeking out a mentor, who has walked the path, will help you develop deeper relationships. This is what True Brotherhood is all about. Contact True Brotherhood to get started. It will be life changing for you, your spouse, and your children.

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I have found that most men crave for deeper friendships. Wishing we had a friend whom we could call our brother. A person who had our back, and be there for us. A man whom knows everything about you, and you with them. Recently on netflix the movie, The Old Guard aired. Many people wrote in regarding the Gay male relationship. They were thrilled to see a gay couple portrayed as super hero’s and were impressed with the deepness in their relationship. Now why can’t friendships with men be this deep? Can you imagine having a friend who says you are like a solid foundation in my life. I know you will always be there for me. You help me out of darkness when I’m down. Your kindness touches me. I know you love me deeply, and we will be friends for the rest of our lives. Can we love a friend beyond measure and reason?

One man when asked if he had friends proclaimed that he did. I asked him if any of these friends knew the difficulty he was having connecting with his spouse? He said no, but that they were still good friends. The next week he questioned how close the friends were. He shared while playing baseball, he slid into a base and injured his leg. His leg was covered in blood. He was obviously injured, and in pain, but he said his friends took one look at him and said, ” come on you wimp get up, lets play ball” He told me the pain was so intense he doubted getting off the field without help. He then understood what I was talking about regarding true friendship. He said, he wished that he had friends that could have recognized he was in pain, and helped him off the field.

Many societal norms keep men from true brotherhood. I once asked several men how long does it take you to call back a friend after he calls you. Most answered two to three days. They admitted it took days because of not wanting look “too needy”. They admitted feeling touched that the friend had reached out.

Counselors who specialize in working with men will report that there is a deep sadness in most men, as a result of not being able to be their true selves, and be close with other men. During men retreats they get in touch with the deep sorrow and start to connect with men, only to return to a society that doesn’t allow deeper connections with men.

It’s time for a change. True Brotherhood is set up to give you a group of men who will be your friend, and allow you to express feelings. You will become one with us, and have men who have your backs. True masculinity is the combination of both your masculine and feminine sides. You will have the freedom to express yourself in a safe environment with men who have the same desires as yourself. Close connected friends, whom you will have for life. Contact True Brotherhood and get started today.